“Losing weight the Nigella way”

Fancy dropping a couple of dress (or pant) sizes? Well, Nigella Lawson just has, and so can you! All you have to do is eat like her, which the Daily Mail has helpfully condensed into the following handy chart – note how their source is dutifully acknowledged (‘According to her Twitter’), like proper journalism and all:

This is really an amazing diet, because if you visit Nigella’s Twitter (since we all have one, apparently), you will discover that it is made up not only of what Nigella actually tweeted about eating, but also of what other people tweeted to her that they were eating (ie. her recipes), and of whatever she posted as recipe of the day. Well done to Dr. Carrie Ruxton for all that creative calculating! Or perhaps congratulations should go to the actual “journalists” who probably did all the hard sleuthing work, and then just sent on a list of food for Dr. Ruxton to add numbers to. After all, it was these two hard working writers who came up with all the excellent and apposite phrasing in this article about Nigella’s fantastic weight-loss. For example:

‘As she filmed her latest TV series this week, it appeared the domestic goddess may have stopped sampling her famous decadent chocolate cake entirely. But despite slimming down from a size 16 to a size 12, this would certainly appear not to be the case – as Miss Lawson, 52, revealed that she is eating everything in sight, from fried egg sandwiches to roast chicken and chocolate truffles.’ (my emphases, and NB. do not let her see your food or your baby, because she will eat everything in sight!)

And here’s a notable use of the wonderful passive tense, which works particularly well when there’s scoffing involved: ‘Scrambled eggs and black pudding and more eggs and salmon were also scoffed, as was roast chicken on spelt with parsley and toasted pine nuts while snacks included cherries and prawns.’

Ah well, nothing like a dose of Daily Fail to brighten up a wintery Saturday afternoon. But I do shudder to think of next week’s story, which will likely include the tearful narrative of a young overweight girl who realised after reading this story that she will never be thin because she cannot afford to eat smoked salmon and chocolate truffles for dinner. She’s one of the many immortalised in Dan and Dan’s song.

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